WWN Guide To Buying A New Telly


WHEN you bought it, it was a shiny new 32″ beauty; “HD Ready!” it screamed from a sticker on the corner. It was the biggest, most incredible television you’ve ever known! You loved it!

Now, years later, that HD ready sticker peeling off the top of it, the remote only working when you really press down on the buttons… it’s time to say goodbye. It’s time to buy a new TV.

But your last trip to the electrical place was a baffling nightmare; you no longer just had flatscreen TVs, you have really really flat screen TVs, with loads of different features and numbers on them and oh Jesus, what the hell is OLED? Is that better than 4k? We’re bailing!

That’s why if you’re in the market for a new telly, you dare not step foot inside an electrical place without first reading the WWN guide to buying a new telly. Your life may just depend on it!

Curved TVs.

Ooooh, lookee here! This TV isn’t flat; it’s curved! Well ain’t that something.

But what does that mean to you, the consumer? Is it better? Does it offer a greater clarity of picture, or convey a more realistic sense of movement? Who cares? It’s curved! Nobody you know has a curved TV; you could be the first! You’ll literally be like the first caveman to run into the cave and show his mates how he’s just made fire. Surely that’s worth a grand?

4K vs OLED vs UHD.

You don’t know the difference, the internet doesn’t know the difference, the teenager in the shop who’s somehow a manager doesn’t know the difference. We here at WWN, we sure as shit don’t know the difference, but what we do know is this; no matter which one you pick, be sure to have an argument ready with your mates as to why you picked the best one.

If you go for 4K and your pal goes for OLED, then you’d better be able to express why you’re right and he’s wrong. You want to be the best person, don’t you?

Spend spend spend.

This isn’t health insurance; this is a TV. Why skimp on the price? Besides, these things are half the price they were last year, and there’s always a more expensive one in the shop. As long as you can point to a telly for three grand, make a statement about how you would “never spend that much on a television”, then talk about how you went for one that was “only 1,600”, you’ll come across as the most savvy consumer of all time.

Bigger is always better.

There’s a formula for working out what TV is best for your living room, based on the distance from sofa to screen. This dictates that after this optimum size, any bigger TV is wasted, or even appears at a lesser resolution to the viewer.

Bollocks. Nonsense. Just go for the biggest TV you can’t afford. The sheer size of it will confirm your wise investment. If anyone suggests that it’s too big, then you can always say that it’ll be perfect when you move house. You’re playing the long game here, pal!

Go with whatever looks best in the store.

Just take a look at what’s playing on the TVs in the shop, and pick what looks best. Granted, these are images which are designed to make the display look its absolute best, and broadcast quality will never, ever match them, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get a Credit Union loan to buy one of them.

You’re never going to watch anything like what is playing in the store, but if a TV can display a butterfly landing on a leaf or a lad on a surfboard or a time-lapse shot of a city at night in this kind of quality, then it’s bound to make Pawn Stars and Friends look pretty good too, right?