“I Need The Tears Of A Nation To Remain Alive” – John Lewis


REPRESENTATIVES for the John Lewis chain of stores have announced that it is hoped this year’s Christmas ad will generate enough tears to keep the company’s 97-year-old CEO alive for another 12 months.

John Lewis, now bedridden and decrepit, inherited the UK’s largest chain from his father, John Lewis Sr, in 1945.

As Lewis grew older, he sank huge resources into developing a way to keep himself young by flushing his system out daily with the aid of human tears.

The project struck on a human-tears goldmine with the release of a poignant, heart-rending Christmas advertisement several years ago, and have released a hugely sentimental ad every year since.

This year’s ad features the efforts of a young girl to send a present to the man in the moon, as a softly-sung version of ‘Half The World Away’ penned by Noel Gallagher is played.

Teams of experts worked on the commercial for six months, in order to make sure it was as tear-jerking as possible. The ad was regularly shown to focus groups, and amended based on how many life-giving tears they shed.

“Cry, damn you, cry” wheezed Lewis, clutching an oxygen mask to his face.

“I need your tears to live forever! Take a look at this ad… isn’t the song heart-breakingly effective? Does the old man on the moon not remind you of your grandparents, who have passed away? Look at the little girl! She’s adorable! Bawl your eyes out, and your tears shall renew this aging flesh that clings to my brittle bones!”

Lewis’s scheme appears to be on track, with over 3 million people watching the ad on YouTube since it was released this morning, with even fully grown men spotted drying their eyes while watching it.