WWN At The MTV EMAs: Who The Fuck Are These People?

IT WAS with great confusion that the WWN team took to the red carpet at the MTV European Music Awards at the weekend, tasked with holding interviews with the biggest names in music today.

Like a group of indigenous tribespeople attempting to order a 12″ Hawaiian pizza on an iPhone, it became apparent to the Whispers News crew that at some point in the near past, we had taken our eye off popular music for just a moment, and now we didn’t recognise anyone, at all. Still, we did our best to snap some pics on the runway as these seemingly famous people arrived.

This very pretty lady arrived to host the show. We asked the journalist beside us for her name, and we got called misogynistic pigs. “Why are you trying to label this person as a ‘she'”, we were asked, before being cyberbullied for an hour straight. We’ve been on the red carpet for five minutes and we feel like an alzheimers patient who wandered into an underground dogfighting arena.

This young lady showed up to much acclaim from the assembled paparazzo, so like the rest of the world we accepted that she was a celebrity without any question whatsoever. To be honest, we’re not sure who she is. A musician, surely? It is the Music Television European Music Awards. That’s got “music” in it twice. She’s hardly a farmer.

It’s getting like a creche around here. Everyone seems to just get younger and younger. This lad looks like he just made his confirmation. Who is he? He could be Nicki Minaj for all we fucking know. Nicki Minaj is a man, right?

Say what you want about the Spice Girls, at least you could tell them apart. These ladies here could be the next big girl band, or some of the Kardashians. We overhear people talking about “how big they are on Instagram”, which is all you need these days it would seem. This night is making our heads hurt. Our feet are sore and everything is too loud.

THAT’S ED SHEERAN!! That’s Ed Sheeran! HA! We know one! We saw him on the Toy Show last year, he sang with a wee girl. See, we’re still cool.

At this stage we think they’re just fishing barely-dressed young ones out of the crowd.