NOTHING is quite as sweet as that heart-stopping moment when your mother comes into the living room and wearily announces that she’s not making dinner tonight, she’s ordering a takeaway instead. The joy! You’re not getting another plate of spuds and veg: you’re getting pizza! You’re getting chipper! You might even get a spice bag!
Getting your mam to implement this once-in-a-blue-moon treat isn’t easy, as any hint that you’d rather a kebab instead of her shepherds pie is only going to piss her off… so follow these steps to ensure you take the train to Order-Online-town.
Ask her to run you somewhere before dinner
You need to time this just right, but if you tell your mam that you need a lift into town to get something for school at the right moment, her maternal instincts will kick in and she’ll drive you to the shops. You have to make sure that you say you need something for school: your mam doesn’t want to raise a dunce, so she’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you get the school supplies you need. Don’t say you need to go rent a DVD: she doesn’t care about shit like that. If you time it right, and the traffic is bad enough, she’ll be too knackered to start cooking, and a take-away is only moments away!
Ask her to cook something that she’s missing one ingredient for
If your mam happens to ask what you’d like for dinner, then answer with something you know she wants to hear: oh mam, I just love your pasta carbonara, can you please make that, please? Little does she know, you’ve snuck into the kitchen and removed or hidden a small but vital ingredient of the recipe! Don’t go big (like, don’t hide the pasta), or she’ll just rule it out altogether and tell you you’re getting potato waffles and fish fingers. If there’s just one small thing missing, she’ll get into a mindset that she can give you the dinner you want before she realises that she can’t. Wracked with maternal guilt, she’ll suggest getting a takeaway so that she doesn’t look like a terrible mother.
Show her your new online ordering app on your phone
All parents want to appear like they know how technology works, so use this to your advantage to get a delicious takeaway dinner instead of whatever bland, tasteless concoction you mam was planning on. Show your mam this “cool new app” you downloaded on your phone that lets you instantly order an incredible selection of meals online from hundreds of vendors. Demonstrate just how easy it is to order, putting in her favourite food from her favourite restaurant, letting her know that if she wanted a night off from cooking, all she has to do is click “order”. She’ll be so eager to appear like she’s down with the latest trends, she’ll say feck the dinner and you’re just moments away from takeaway heaven. In the meantime, show her some funny videos on YouTube. We like the one where the kid falls down when he hears the ice-cream van. We’ve watched it like a hundred times.
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