Aries March 21 – April 19
If your name isn’t David Cameron, then your week is going to be just fine.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Seriously, compared to Cameron, your week is going to be peachy.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Your mum could die, your house could burn down, your dog could explode, but if you aren’t Cameron, then you’ll finish this week with a smile.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
Are you the Prime Minister of Great Britain? No? Then what are you worried about?
Leo July 23 – August 22
The mounting pressure of everyday life will ease this week, when you realise you aren’t David Cameron.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
In fact, you can take solace in the knowledge that not only will this week be better than the one David Cameron is about to face, NO WEEK IN YOUR LIFE will ever be as bad as the one David Cameron is about to face.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Cameron’s birthday is October the 9th making him a Libra, so it’s possible that you’re not in for a great week this week, if in actual fact you are David Cameron. If not, business as usual.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
What’s that? You actually HAVE put your penis in the mouth of a dead pig at some stage in your life. But hey, you’re not an elected head of state, so we doubt it’ll make the news. Wouldn’t worry about it.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Answer this question: Are you David Cameron?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
If no, then enjoy your week.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
If you’re feeling down, there’s any amount of David Cameron jokes on Twitter to cheer you up.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Take a moment to enjoy life with all of your friends, none of whom are David Cameron.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
On the downside, your nightmares now contain the image of David Cameron with his flaccid penis draped in the mouth of a rotting pig’s skull.