Alan Kelly Discovered To Be Two Kids Wearing A Long Coat


THE ongoing saga of Irish Water took another bizarre twist yesterday, after it was revealed that the man known as Minister For The Environment Alan Kelly was actually one small boy standing on the shoulders of another small boy while wearing a long coat.

The discovery was made when the youths, aged 8 and 12, took off their trench coat to cool down during the humid weather when they thought no one was looking.

It is believed that the youngsters, named as Tipperary brothers Michael and Fintan Meehan, have posed as ‘Alan Kelly’ during the 2011 general election after a dare with classmates got out of hand, and just went along with it following their victory in the Tipperary North polls. Sources close to ‘Kelly’ admitted that they always felt there was something strange about how he moved and acted, as well as his eating habits which involved him ordering two Happy Meals for himself every lunchtime.

Although political spectators acted surprised when the revelations came out, many admitted that the kids’ role in government would explain the disastrous implementation of Irish Water, which has undergone several embarrassing u-turns and rowbacks in its short history, including yesterday’s news that the €100 euro conservation grant would only be issued to people who have paid their bills.

In their first statement, the tearful Meehan brothers apologised yesterday for making such a mess of Irish Water, and promised to not pretend to be an elected member of the Irish parliament anymore.

“We’re sorry, we were just making it up as we went along,” said Michael, the older of the two brothers who acted as the legs of Alan Kelly.

“All the politics men kept yelling at us to make decisions about Irish Water, and we kept saying anything just to stay out of trouble. We didn’t know what we were doing half the time, but they just kept giving us loads of wages and a nice car to drive around in”.

Fintan Meehan, the surprisingly mature looking 8-year-old who posed as the head and arms of Alan Kelly, echoed his brother’s sorrow and added that “everyone can have free water now”.