WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

You progress from being a “social smoker” to just being a smoker. Who were you kidding, anyways?

Taurus April 20 – May 20

This week, you go almost four straight days without hitting yourself in the balls with something. A new record!

Gemini May 21 – June 20

No sense in taking down the Christmas lights now, sure it’s coming around again. Your perseverance has paid off!

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You finally realise that the people playing sport on your telly do not respond to your words or actions. They’re hundreds of miles away and cannot see or hear you. Calm down.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Remember: it’s not a crime if nobody ever finds out.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Be sure to give as much advice to people who don’t need it, or haven’t asked for it. Make your opinions heard!

Libra September 23 – October 22

Here come the hotstepper. Look busy.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Nobody wants to chat to you on the train. It’s cool. It’s not a personal thing. Train time is quiet time. Just relax.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Your descent into madness continues. Also, you meet a nice lad in a bar and the two of you really hit it off! Drag him down with you!

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

You should probably get that looked at. It’s starting to bring stray cats to the house.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

You start that yoga class you’ve been meaning to get to. Well, you start it in your mind. Mind yoga, very relaxing.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

The cards aren’t clear on this, but you either find a tenner of get stabbed in the eye. One or the other.