Athlone Teenager Scores Enough Leaving Cert Points To Emigrate To Australia

THERE were emotional scenes for one Athlone student this morning, as his Leaving Cert results revealed that he had done well enough to emigrate to Australia and never come home.

Sean Pearce, 18, achieved 410 points across 7 subjects: an admirable result which allows him a wide range of college courses in Ireland, and a position on the live register after that.

Rather than spend three to four years in a pointless course with no prospect of a job at the end of it, Pearce had hung all his hopes on hitting the middle ground, where he could say that he did pretty well, but still cut out the whole “going to college in Ireland and hoping to get a job at the end of it” thing, which he realised was a waste of time.

“Yeah, this way I can say I’m taking a ‘year out’ without people thinking that I’m just leaving because I failed my exams,” said the clever Westmeath native, as he applied for his visa.

“It’s not a case of oh, I only got 130 points so I had no other option: I did well, but it’s my choice to fuck off over to Oz. I’ve told everyone it’s only for a year or two, but to be honest with you I’m not sure if I’ll ever come back. Sure, take a look around you: what sort of young person with any little bit of intelligence would stick around here, wasting away only to get nothing for it in the end?”

Pearce is one of thousands of young people who did well enough in their Leaving Cert to emigrate with no questions asked, with several others missing the grade. These people will now be forced to sit through at least one semester of college before being able to say they’ve had enough and they’re outta here.