5 Lethal Weapons You Can Make With Items From The Middle Aisle In Lidl

THE middle aisle in renowned German supermarket chain Lidl can be a treasure trove of goodies, offering products to consumers they wouldn’t have expected to purchase while just nipping in to get a pretzel and some spurious Nespresso capsules.

But while shoppers have delighted at the hardware and household items available in the centre of the shop, we’ve discovered 5 lethal weapons that terrorists could easily construct using materials readily available in their local Lidl. Such as…

1) Flamethrower

There are those of you who look at the middle aisle of Lidl and see a leaf blower, a blowtorch and a few bottles of BBQ lighter fluid, and those of you who see a homemade napalm distribution device. Blueprints exist online which show how with just 75 quid and minimal mechanical knowledge, your next door neighbour could have the ability to burn you and your family to death on a whim, if there’s a Lidl nearby.

2) Machete

Suitable for both weddings AND funerals, a machete is the go-to tool in the current war between people with machetes and people with machetes stuck in them. But where do these people get machete’s in the first place? Simple: the middle aisle in Lidl. You can walk into Lidl, help yourself to a handful of Cashew nuts on the sly, then purchase a Lidl own-brand 2″ x 3″ block of metal, a diamond sharpening stone, and a roll of insulating tape to make a grip, and after a few days of metalwork, you’re ready to sort out that lad who pissed you off in the pub the other night.

3) A tank

You may think that you’ll never own your very own tank, but you are wrong; dead wrong. Dead in a ditch with rats eating your face wrong. Hooking your 2-stroke petrol compressor up to the meter-long clay water pipes, all found in the middle aisle in Lidl, lets you to launch 5kg Kettlebells up to 300 meters, allowing you to lead the charge on your enemies. What’s that? Where can you buy 5kg Kettlebells? Where do you think?

4) Cyanide

With some common household chemicals from the common household chemical aisle, and an Evil Scientist playset from, you guessed it, the middle aisle of Lidl, you can create enough homemade cyanide to silently kill everyone in your local post office. We’re not sure why we chose post office right there. Seems we could have chosen anywhere and it would have made the same point, but post office really just rolled off the tongue.

5) Tactical Nuclear Weapon

You may have found yourself explaining to your wife the reason why you went to Lidl to get milk and ham, but for some reason you returned with 50kg of enriched uranium and an old German V2 rocket… well, if you’re a terrorist, you can just say that you wanted to create your very own weapon of mass destruction and launch it at enemies that you have sworn to scorch off the face of the earth. And quit giving out, woman, we GOT the milk and ham as well, Jesus.