WWN Guide To Smacking Your Child And Getting Away With It


The European Committee of Social Rights has found that Ireland violated a European charter by not banning all corporal punishment, including parents smacking their children at home, so we here at WWN have put together a couple of life hacks for smacking your child, or smack-hacks as everyone in the office here likes to call it.

It’s Not Smacking If The Wooden Spoon Is Doing It

Convince your child that the wooden spoon is actually a magical instrument. Explain to them that they are made from the same wood as magic wands, but instead of magical powers, they deliver magical beatings to children that are bold. We would suggest distancing yourself from the spoon’s actions by shouting at it to stop when hitting your child. Pretend it has a mind of its own and that you are not in control of its clearly violent nature. Acting upset with the spoon’s lashings will convince your child that you are not the one to blame here for the pain being inflicted. It’s the spoon. Spoons can’t get arrested.

Hire A Neighbour Or A Friend To Administer Punishment

Again, distancing yourself from smacking is essential to not getting caught. Soliciting a disguised neighbour or a friend is a great way of doing this. You can also take turns hitting each other’s child too, and this can become a bit of a fun game once you get into the swing of it. If your child is acting up just leave the room. Say nothing at all. Leaving the front door open, ask your sponsored smacker to call around and deliver the beat down while you pretend to go to the toilet. Your kid won’t have a clue who it is and when it’s all over you can just explain that it must have been one of Santa’s helpers checking up on their behaviour. Tell them if a Santa’s helper calls more than five times in a year they get nothing for Christmas. This is our favourite one on the list.

The Old Midnight Soap In A Sock Technique or ‘Blanket Party’

Featured in the film Full Metal Jacket, this clever little smack-hack allows you to personally hit your child without leaving any visible bruises. Best done at night while your kid is asleep, make sure to have your husband, partner or friend with you to hold down your child. Making sure they are fast asleep, get your accomplice to throw a sheet over your child making sure to cover their whole body so they can’t see or move. Then, with your soap in a sock beat them around the torso area, making sure not to connect to the rib cage. We advice 30-60 seconds of this, depending on what they did. Once administered, leg it out of the room and into your own bed. Watch as your bold child hobbles into you for sympathy. Don’t give them any and blame it on a bad dream. Tell them bad dreams happen when you’re bad.

Make Them Hit Themselves 

Threats of selling them to the tinkers not working? Well, why not try this age old smack-hack which inadvertently forces your child to hit themselves. This is best performed in a playful manner by pinning your toddler to the ground with your knees while grabbing both their hands and forcing them to hit themselves in the face. Say stuff like “why are you hitting yourself?” and “stop hitting yourself” and so on. Be playful but firm. Beware though, as this will only work with younger children who don’t know any better. The best people at this are the ones who convince the child to actually hit themselves when bold. Hard to do, but worth it in the long run. When mastered, the child soon becomes self-harming, letting you sit back without the worry. Bad child. Bad.