Obamas Quietly Celebrate 2,500th Civilian Kill Since Taking Office


THE OBAMA family were said to be ‘in good form’ in the White House yesterday evening after news of the administration’s 2,500th civilian kill was announced after yet another drone bombing raid in Somalia.

In a modest dinner ceremony hosted by the first lady, Barack and his two daughters, Malia and Sasha Obama held hands during prayer as they thanked the Lord for all he has given them.

“Let us pray now as we thank the Lord and those who have sacrificed their lives today for democracy,” Michelle opened, nudging daughter Sasha, who was now sniggering at the prospect, “we ask you to let them into your Kingdom, despite their Islamic beliefs, and nurture them”.

“Yeah, and say hello to Bin Laden for me,” Barack cut in, sending the whole family into sitcom-esque laughter, before adding “lets eat, or this Lobster will get cold”.

The humble celebration marks the fifth sit-down meal of yet another 500 civilian kills since taking office in 2009.

“Here’s to another five hundred Dad,” daughter Malia exclaims, toasting with a champagne glass of milk.

Obama reflected on the launching of over 390 covert drone strikes in his first five years in office.

“Don’t the years fly, guys?” Barack asked the bubbly table, now filled with female natter. “Only another year left. We might even make the three thousandth if we keep hammering away at Pakistan”.

Unaware his death toll had already reached 2,504 since sitting down, a member of staff brought out a large cake with the number ‘2500’ on it.

“Every time you guys. Every time,” he said in a surprised tone.

“Blow out the candles Dad. Make a wish,” Sasha insisted.

Inhaling first, the US president blew out all the candles at once, exclaiming “I wish that Netanyahu fellow would get lost with himself”.

The room filled with laughter, yet again as White House waiting staff cut the cake into pieces, sending flash imagery of broken, torn up bodies into the president’s frontal lobes.

“It’s good to be alive,” he concluded, hugging both his daughters. “Its good to be alive”.