It’s hard to boil down the eating of a bagel to just 6 paltry options, but trust us when we tell you that these are truly the 6 most essential ways to eat that treasured bread based product.
1 – Often when eating a bagel the element of surprise is key. An unsuspecting bagel is a delicious bagel. Once you have caught sight of your desired bagel, it is important, it does not realise you’re planning on eating it. When a bagel is under threat it sometimes releases an airborne chemical compound in order to defend itself, which often forces it to go stale. Dressing yourself as a large human-sized bagel is not always achievable for people, but it is recommended as that delicious bagel won’t know what ate it.
2 – Of course, one of the most common ways to eat a bagel is to place your erect penis in the bagel’s hole and make passionate love to it over and over again. Some bagel lovers may suggest this method of preparing your bagel is no longer cool. They are wrong and idiotic. If you’re having trouble penetrating the bagel’s hole simply apply masses of mayonnaise in order to lubricate the area. Once you have shown the bagel a thoroughly enjoyable time, it is now appropriate to eat it. The texture will be softer, supple and delicious.
3 – Bagels are temperamental in nature and thus should sometimes be handled with care. To get the best eating results out of your bagel make sure to store it in a fridge or press by itself for 24 hours. Sleeping with it in your bed is not frowned upon. In order to maximise the delightfully doughy textures of the bagel, it is advisable to allow it watch its favourite television programme, Australian soap Home and Away. Trying to eat it in one bite is impressive, but not recommended.
4 – “I’ve eaten loads of bagels, they’re all the same,” this is the utterance of a woefully uneducated bagel eater. Bagel mecca New York is home to the world’s finest bagels while Australia famously still hasn’t quite got its head around making a decent bagel. If your budget has no limit, it is recommended you fly to New York and to really make the most of the experience one must eat the bagel from the inside out; Chad Foster’s book ‘To Eat a Bagel is to Live’ details how to do this properly. If this sounds like too much work you obviously have no fucking right calling yourself a bagel lover.
5 – Are you a real bagel whore? Step this way. A little known bact (bagel fact, keep up) is that bagels are at their most delectable on the third Sunday of every month between the hours of 10am-2pm. It is crucial you consume your bagel during this time, possibly consider eating several at once as there is no better time to fill your mouth with a bagel.
6 – The oft forgotten Old Testament passage read “and out of the light came the glorious bagel”. Biblical scholars have debated the significance of this passage for centuries, but some have settled on its meaning. To bring glory unto God is to pig out on bagels while placing yourself near natural light. The summer months are ideal for this or if you take your bagel worship seriously, a move to a sunnier climate will produce great bagel eating conditions but remember, not all countries produce good bagels. If you’d like to find out more about this method you should find your nearest Bagelism church.