Industrial Estate Closed By Inspectors Due To Not Looking Miserable Enough
HUNDREDS of workers from dozens of businesses were sent home today after inspectors closed down an industrial estate in Dublin, which was deemed “not miserable enough”.
Happerstown business park in the north of the city, home to over 50 factories, wholesalers and offices, failed to reach the required levels of industrial grimness, and as such was closed until further notice. Workers from the estate were left bemused after officials went from unit to unit, informing them that they had to vacate the premises immediately.
Industrial estates are required by law to be dour, soul-crushing places, and must contain a set amount of broken-down cars, ‘To Let’ signs on derelict units, intimidating security fencing, and sinister graffiti from local youths. Traffic regulations for these estates have strict guidelines as to how long it should take for people to drive out after a day at work, and bus stops are to be placed sufficiently far away from the entrance so that workers have enough time to soak in the misery of the place before beginning their day.
In violation to a number of these rules, Happerstown business park was found to be a relatively bright and well kept area, with easy access for commuters to the adjoining roads. As such, local authorities were forced to take drastic action to ‘grim the place up’ before anyone became too happy about their workplace.
“We’re going to come in over the next few days, and just rough the place up a bit,” said Ian Reynolds, head of the Industrial Estate Bleakness Society.
“We’ll knock a bit of a wall here, put up a pylon there, maybe leave a half-filled skip here and there, and change the colour scheme and signage of some units to make the whole place look just darker and less welcoming. Then move that bus stop about a half mile back up the road, so that everyone has to come to work much earlier than needed, but still get home much later than they’d like to. We’ll have this place looking like shit in no time”.
The newly de-furbished business park will re-open in a fortnight, and should bring enthusiasm among the workforce down to the national standard.