Final Vote On Abortion Bill To Coincide With Last Orders In Dáil Bar

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THE GOVERNMENT have announced the final vote on the controversial abortion bill in cases of fatal foetal abnormality will coincide with ‘last orders’ in the Dail bar, which is scheduled for midnight tonight.

A spokesman said they are allowing two extra hours of drinking and debate on the final stages of the Protection of Life in Pregnancy (Amendment) (Fatal Foetal Abnormalities) Bill.

Taoiseach Enda Kenny proposed the time-frame, stating that everyone will need to be ‘well oiled’ before voting on the matter.

“I think I can speak for everyone here when I say that we need to have a few down us for this one.” he told Dail chambers this afternoon. “What ever our decision, let us make it under the influence of alcohol.”

It is expected that absolutely every TD in the Dáil will consume a drink or two before voting tonight.

“I’d say it’ll be a late one alright.” said Minister for health Leo Varadkar. “No doubt there’ll be some sneachta floating around aswell please God.”

Meanwhile, the church has made a last ditch effort to change the bill, stating it would now agree to certain abortions being carried out in the state.

“If the fetus can be proved to be gay or of a transgender persuasion, then we would be happy to comply with the mothers wishes to abort.” said arch bishop Dr. Diarmuid Martin.”That’s what God would want anyway.”

The head of the Irish Catholic church also called on its followers to stop reciting decades of the rosary for today, as it was causing server issues.

“The Heaven network is down at the moment and we would ask for people to postpone prayers until we get it sorted.”

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