Scientists Confirm Link Between Not Having Kids And Knowing Exactly How To Raise Them

A NEW report published today by a team of leading childcare specialists has confirmed that when it comes to looking after babies and children, nobody knows the right thing to do quite like somebody who has no kids.

The report comes following exhaustive research into the behaviour of children, which has proved without reasonable doubt, that a link exists between knowing the best way to raise a child from newborn to college age, and not having any kids of your own.

Scientists were able to prove that those without children were far more capable of knowing how to feed, clothe, discipline, play with, and get them to go to sleep than the parents who spend every waking minute with the same child.

“If you look at this graph you’ll see that those who mark zero on the child-having axis are very high on the everything-knowing line” said Dr. Marcus Dispertas,who headed up the 3 year study.

“Those without kids are better able to tell their friends and relatives who have children the exact best way in which to raise them. This is in sharp contrast to what was once believed; that a parent knows best for their child. In fact, our study shows that it’s the people who have only ever held a child for no more than ten minutes that know best how to look after them”.

“Our study also collated a number of terms which these childless people use when giving advice to parents; phrases such as ‘Do you know what that child wants…’, ‘Here’s what you should do…’ and ‘Ah, would you not give the child…’ are the most frequently used, as well as broad statements such as ‘Sure the child’s probably hungry or something’ which usually turns out to be true – the child probably is hungry, or something”.

The Dr. Dispertas’ study goes on to show that those without children lose their ability to know everything about them approximately 5 seconds after having one of their own.