Banking Inquiry Begins Its Long Journey To Getting To The Bottom Of Nothing


Although the final report isn’t due until November 2015, many experts in the field of dashed hopes have confirmed that with the inquiry taking place in Ireland, focusing on an Irish crisis and being largely the fault of Irish people, the inquiry itself will have a predictable Irish outcome.

“There is a huge expectation that the inquiry will drag on for months, and kind of sap the life out of even the most ardent critic of the financial collapse. It will be tedious, it will monotonous, but above all else it will be painfully slow and disappoint,” confirmed financial expert and veteran of things never reaching a satisfying conclusion Robert Gladwell.

“It’s the inquiry equivalent of having someone recite the phone book to you while pretending they’re reading Ulysses”.

The timeline of the inquiry means that the ‘juicy’ questions regarding the banking sector will not be asked until April of next year, almost guaranteeing the general public will be suitably fed up with the whole thing by then.

Amongst the first witnesses called before the inquiry are finance expert and academic Peter Nyberg and Rob Wright, a former secretary of general finance in Canada whose 2010 report on the inner workings of the department of finance were summarily ignored by everyone with the capacity to act on its findings.

Despite Wright’s assertion that the department of finance ignored clear dangers to the economy, his findings were presumably placed next to a bin and accidentally nudged into it by a clumsy official who most definitely ‘didn’t notice the report was there’.

The credibility of the inquiry has already taken a hit as the ECB has refused to have any part in the inquiry, stating in a letter heavy with recession and bailout based puns that it would rather place its testicles in a vice than answer questions posed to it by people representing the interests of the Irish public.

This, coupled with the fact that Bertie Ahern will make an appearance at some point and remain unchallenged on his view that ‘sure everything was grand when I handed over the keys’, has seen the Irish public preemptively dismiss any hope of the inquiry getting to the bottom of anything.

“Oh is that happening today, is it? Right, yeah. Eh, fair play to them, I guess, not holding my breath though,” explained passerby John Dillane to WWN.

Dillane was one of the few people who protested the initial bank guarantee on the streets, spending days amassing as much evidence as was humanly possible that pointed to a knee-jerk blanket guarantee being a truly terrible idea.

“Think I’ll give the 9 o’clock news a miss so, might get around to watching that Gogglebox everyone is banging on about instead,” Dillane added in now characteristically downtrodden fashion.