Government Announce Latest Homeless Figures Down One From Last Week

THE GOVERNMENT has announced today that Dublin’s latest homeless figures are down one from last week, bringing the total figure to 167.

In a welcome turnaround, Taoiseach Enda Kenny thanked the Simon community and other independent charities for their ongoing effort this season in tackling the homelessness issue in the capital.

“I really don’t know how they do it,” he said, emphasizing the fact that he has actually had no idea how the charities operate. “I’m told there are only one hundred and sixty seven homeless people left on Dublin streets, so if everyone keeps donating, we can keep reducing that figure by one a week, rendering Dublin homeless-free by 2017!”

The latest drop in figures was revealed just days after the Government unveiled plans to build 35,000 new social-housing units and introduce a new housing-assistance payment scheme to 75,000 households over the next six years.

“See? We are doing something right. Homelessness is more or less a thing of the past now, so I think we can all move on to more pressing issues, like bathing areas.” added Mr.Kenny, hinting at the announcement today of a €2.5m ‘urban beach’ planned for Eamon Gilmore’s constituency of Dun Laoghaire, South Dublin.

Meanwhile, Gardaí have said traffic has returned to normal outside Leinster house after the unsightly body of a man was removed from Molesworth Street, and have urged pedestrians to ‘keep calm and continue shopping’.