‘Big Boned’ Man Actually Just A Fat Bastard
RESEARCH on a 24 stone Kilkenny man has revealed that contrary to claims that his size is due to his bones being bigger than most peoples’ bones, he is in actual fact just a big fat pig.
Peadar Hamilton, a 33-year-old security guard from Kilkenny city always described his excess mass as “a bit of extra padding”, and that his big bones just made him look larger than the average person.
However, researchers at the Skeletal Anomaly clinic at the Kilkenny General Hospital have today published the results of tests carried out on Mr. Hamilton, which reveal his bones to be sized exactly the same as everyone else, and attributed his obesity to the horrific quality of his diet.
“We approached Mr. Hamilton after hearing him claim that he had big bones,” said Scott Carson, head of bone studies at the Skeletal Anomaly Clinic.
“Oversized bones are very rare in nature, so we were eager to conduct some tests. We were hoping to find Mr. Hamilton’s bones to be twice as large as an average human, but imagine our disappointment when we found them to be the correct size for someone of his age and height. As such, we have to conclude that he’s just a fat bastard who needs to eat a salad once in a while”.
When approached for comment, Mr. Hamilton expressed disappointment that he was in actual fact an obese man with nobody to blame but himself, and said the news was particularly devastating as it arrived in the same week as a report from a Scalp Specialist that the hair-free area on his head was a bald patch, and not a “solar panel for a sex machine”.