Aries March 21 – April 19

Typing ‘how shallow is too shallow for a grave’ into Google this week will end up becoming a key part of your murder trial in the coming months.
Taurus April 20 – May 20

Things are looking up socially as your brilliant status about the X-Factor this weekend marks a brand new start for you.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You’ll get a shock at marriage counselling this week when your husband John decides to invite his other two wives.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

This week you won’t like your horoscope entry so you decide to read every other star sign and pick out the most positive one and pretend it’s for you, completely ignoring all my hard work.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Romance is in the air – the new perfume by Beyoncé, as you sit at home alone digging into some Ben & Jerry’s.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

You’re feeling positive this week and might just treat yourself to something. Probably a prostitute.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Looking for a career change? At 59, it’s never too late to go back to college, spend thousands of euro, and do medicine for 7 years only to die a week before final exams.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Ugh, lighten up. It wasn’t your whole family – granny escaped with third degree burns.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

This week you reach a new low by befriending the local cat completely unaware that you can’t actually be friends with a cat.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Time wasting is an issue this week as Jupiter and Mars align meaning you spend 3 hours contemplating which type of toilet roll to buy.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

At 29, it should be easier for you to master tying your laces, but it’s not, and you’re okay with that which will lead to several friends questioning why they even keep in touch.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

You’re suffering a midlife crisis, but are incredibly broke so you have to settle on the purchase of a poster of a ferrari.