Planets Top Astrophysicists ‘Just Give Up’ Studying Space


“No. Fuck it. I think we’re done here.” were the words spouted by one of the worlds leading astrophysicists today after it was announced that black holes cannot possibly exist and that the big bang theory is completely wrong.

Professor James Masterson made the comments at a global press conference relating to the fund, which proves beyond mathematical doubt that it is impossible for stars to collapse and form a singularity black hole.

The conclusive research, conducted by Professor Laura Mersini-Houghton from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill in the College of Arts and Scientists, has made thousands of scientific jobs obsolete, forcing many professionals to rethink their careers.

“I think I’ll take up a new language or something and start teaching.” said one physicist, tearing up what seemed to be his life’s work. “Space was getting boring anyway. Hey, I might even get a girlfriend while I’m at it?”

The majority of physicists think the universe originated from a singularity that began expanding with the Big Bang about 13.8 billion years ago. If it is impossible for singularities to exist, however, as partially predicted by Professor Mersini-Houghton, then that theory would also be brought into question.

“Everything we have ever known about the universe is pants.” explained the professor, who has since lost over 450 friends on Facebook. “I suppose we will never know the secret of our existence. Best we all put our efforts into something more productive now I suppose. It was good fun while it lasted.”