‘Unique’ New Town Festival Just A Bunch Of Food Stalls And Shit, Finds Local Man



TENS of revellers left the comfort of their homes this weekend to attend what organisers promised to be a ‘spectacular and unique’ new festival for all the family in Portlaw, Co. Waterford.

The first annual ‘Town Festival’, which spans over three days from the 19th – 21st of September, showcased everything the locality had to offer – foreign run food stalls and shit.

“I put on my best polo-shirt for this,” said local man Mark Walsh, who also brought all nine of his children with him. “I counted at least three falafel stalls. Not a bit of meat in any of them. There were a few crusties selling shite fashion accessories and there was some brown fella flogging cheap football jerseys that were ten years out of date. Unique me fucking hole boi!”

Mr. Walsh spent minutes touring the wide variety of stalls and entertainment scattered around the street.

“I knew it was time to go when a bunch of school children started playing those God awful tin-whistles,” recalled the 45-year-old farmer. “Then I had to wait with the kids queuing for what seemed like the only bouncy castle in the country. There must have been two hundred little fuckers on the thing, all clashing the heads off each other.

“At least it gave the local civil defence something to do – the fat bastards,” he added.

Organisers for the event later hailed it a success, claiming the Town Festival brought hundreds of euros to the local economy.

“It was a great couple of days now and we are really happy with the turn out,” said Patricia Hartley, head organiser. “We estimate the Town Festival brought a whopping €347.69 to the local economy this year”.

“Yeah, most of that went to those foreign falafel lads who owned the stalls,” replied farmer Mark Walsh, who was still queuing at the bouncy castle at the time. “We’ve probably funded a terrorist attack somewhere,”