No Vote Clause To See Alex Salmond Hung Drawn And Quartered Live On BBC 2

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MILLIONS of viewers are expected to tune in tomorrow night for the first public execution carried out by the Royal family since 1868.

Former first minister of Scotland Alex Salmond will take centre stage to be hung, drawn and quartered live on BBC2 following a “clause” in the event of a No vote for Scottish independence.

It is understood that Mr. Salmond was not aware of the 17th century clause, which states that any head of a British owned state who challenges the monarch, and fails, will die by public execution.

“Mr. Salmond only found out earlier today after the Queen rang him to ask what way he would like to be killed.” said a close aid to the politician. “He immediately tried to wriggle out of it by stepping down from his first ministerial position, but her majesty wasn’t having any of it. Understandably, he is quite upset and is not available for comment.”

BBC expect viewing figures to be in and around the 40 million mark, with revenues expecting to boost the broadcasters’ profits up and out of the red.

“Iron Bru will be our main sponsors.” said a BBC spokesman earlier today. “This will be a welcome boost in profits as we’ve been hit hard lately with competition from online media.

“Hopefully Alex takes it like a man. We have asked him to say the brave Heart line ‘They can take our lives, but they will never take our freedom’, but he never replied.”

Some big names will be joining the Royal family at the event, including Sir Bob Geldoff, David Beckham and Paolo Nutini, who is expected to perform live at the interval. Sources say Frankie Boyle turned down a £3mn contract to host the event and will instead be replaced by Charlie and Craig Reid from The Proclaimers.

Organisers say Mr. Salmond will be fastened to a wooden panel, drawn by horse to the place of execution in Edinburgh castle, where he will be hanged (almost to the point of death), emasculated, disembowelled, beheaded and the finally quartered live on air. He will be left behind by wife Moira. The couple has no children.

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