Kid Already Writing His Letter To Santa Told To Slow The Fuck Down

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THE FAMILY of a young Galway boy who has already begun writing his letter to Santa have issued a cease and desist order to him, citing that it’s “only fucking September” as their main reason.

Nicola Kindlon and her husband Sean placed the order after walking in on their son Noel, 7, beginning work on a first draft of his letter to Santa Claus. This marks the first year that Noel has written his own letter, as opposed to other years when his parent sat him down in November and helped him to choose things they had already bought over the course of the year.

Having just finished paying for their son’s back-to-school supplies, the Kindlon family were enjoying a brief period of bill-free existence, which has been thrown into turmoil by this new development.

“When I looked over his shoulder and saw what he was writing, I was like are you fucking kidding me?” said Nicola, who knew Christmas was around the corner, but still.

“And he’s got iPads and PS4s and Christ knows what else on it. If we’d managed to get till October out of him before he wrote his letter, we could have been dropping subliminal little hints about cheaper things, like maybe a bicycle or something. ‘Did you bike your breakfast, Noel?’… ‘Watch out, that doggie might bike you’…things like that”.

The requests made by the youngster are indicative of the Christmas requests of children aged 6-9, who have left the early stage of not really knowing what the fuck is happening at Christmas and begun realising they can ask for whatever they want and Santa will bring it to them. But with the changing nature of children’s wishes, many parents strive to hold out until as close to Christmas before getting their kids to compile their lists.

“It’s a very fine line you have to walk,” said Noel’s father Sean, currently unemployed.

“You don’t want to leave it too late, because you might miss out on what they want. But if they write the letter too soon and you go out and get everything on it, they might change their minds in November and you’re goosed. I see Noel has a PS4 on this list… All it’ll take is two months of his friends telling him that an XBOX is better, and he’ll turn around and want one of them instead”.

Upon receiving the cease and desist order, the 1st class student made the counter-claim that all of his friends at school have written their letters already, adding that if they can ask for iPads and PS4s then he should be able to as well. Recognizing defeat when they see it, the Kindlon’s are to begin their shopping this weekend.

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