5 Signs You’ve Turned Into Your Dad
LIKE any Irish lad from Ireland who is Irish we’re sure you find yourself saying or doing something that is so ‘dad’ it actually makes you feel sick. Here are some telltale signs that show you’ve basically totally become your dad.
1. It’s 9pm on a Saturday night and you find yourself dabbing old spice onto your freshly shaven face. It stings a bit, but you’re surprisingly used to it. For some reason you’re wearing a checkered shirt tucked into a pair of off-colour, ill-fitting jeans. Your hair is jelled back and you put what seems to be a Nokia 3210 in your inside pocket.
“These shiny leather shoes are actually really comfy,” you say to yourself, before heading into the sitting room, announcing you’re “going down for a pint”.
2. The nostalgic clippity clop from your shoes echoes down your childhood streets. People you don’t know start waving at you, calling you by your dad’s name.
“It’s dark. Maybe they just mistook me for him” – you think.
Upon entering the local pub the barman shout’s ‘the usual’, before you sit down at the bar. You find yourself scratching your head to realise there is a bald-patch there. Things are very weird, but fucking hell, the Guinness is good.
3. Before you know it you awake in your bed by something under the sheets. The head is only hopping off you from the night before. You remember nothing about getting home.
To your absolute horror you pull back the bed clothes to see your mom sucking you off.
“JESUS CHRIST MOM! What the hell are you doing?”
Your reaction scares her. Forcing both of you to jump out of opposite sides of the bed. Looking down you see you are naked and have grey pubic hair. “What’s going on?” you ask her again. “Why am I so fat and old?”. You make your way into the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror.
You are your dad!
4. It’s been three weeks now since your discovery and you still haven’t gotten used to it. Everyone is telling you that you are not 27-year-old Jason Barnes – that was your son in Australia. Eventually, after several threats to commit you to the local mental asylum, you cave in and go with the flow.
It’s hard at first, but being a 54-year-old father of yourself is like that. You begin to ask: “If I’m in my dad’s body, then where the hell is my dad?” Remembering your last memory as a young man, you realise it was in the heat of passion with your then 19-year-old girlfriend, Jessica.
“OH GOD JESSICA!” you scream.
5. After spending the last four months trying to get in contact with your dad, or son, as you keep reminding yourself, you begin to realise what an absolute bollocks you were with him in the past – before this whole thing happened.
Flashbacks of those desperate emails and phone-calls your parents left in the past begin to haunt you. Now you know what it’s like to be worried sick about someone you love, even if it is just yourself. Surprisingly, you find solace with your new found partner, who coincidentally turns out to be your mom. She wasn’t a bad aul skin after all and you begin to see the traits your father fell in love with. She was perfect, kind, and very good in the…..
*OLD NOKIA RINGTONE*.
You reach into your pocket and look at the colourless screen of your now vintage phone. ‘CALL’ appears on the screen. You answer to hear the most beautiful voice in the world: your own.
“Son,” it said. “We’ve a lot to talk about. Jessica is pregnant!”