“Seriously, I Just Want To Fucking Die Already” – World’s Oldest Person Exclusive

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THE Mexican city of Zapopan was the last place I thought I’d be this week, but boy was the 16 hour flight worth it. After all, it’s not every day you get to meet the world’s oldest person to ask them questions about their long and lustrous life.

My driver Jesus told me how excited he was about the following day’s celebration to mark the oldest person in the world’s 127th birthday.

“This will be the first time Zapopan will be in the news for something good,” he said, peering back through a finger-marked rear view. “Leandra’s birthday has everyone smiling. You are so lucky to be meeting her”.

I agreed.

To put it into context: Leandra Becerra Lumbrera was born in the year Queen Victoria celebrated her Golden Jubilee in 1887 – even older than RTÉ’s football panel.

I arrived at Ms. Becerra Lumbrera’s house at midnight, expecting the old dear to be fast asleep in preparation for her big day.

She wasn’t.

Instead, I found the 46,385-day-old great grandmother of 73 sitting on a chair, clutching a bottle of Tequila, smoking from a spout attached to a large Turkish water bong.

“Come in, come in,” she ushered in a thick Mexican accent. “Don’t let those Mosquito’s follow you though – those bastards have the head ate off me”.

Surprised by her fluent English, I asked her where she learned it from.

“MTV,” she replied, before gurgling another blast from the bong.

“I’ve had plenty of time on my hands to learn a lot of things. Too much time”.

Immediately I felt comfortable. Leandra’s startling wit and alertness was exhilarating. How could someone so old be so awake?

“Cocaine helps me through the day,” she said, snorting a bump of white powder from her knuckle. “It’s all about balance; the tequila to make me happy, the coke to lift me up and the weed to make sure I don’t go too far ahead of myself”.

Intrigued, I asked her what it was like to be such an age.

“It’s like being trapped in an old leather bag stuffed with moth-balls,” was her quick reply. “Sometimes I ask myself if I already died somehow and got stuck in here by mistake”.

“I can only describe it as squatting at this stage”.

When asked what the secret to her longevity, she said: “Not doing a fucking tap of work”.

“I’ve been pretty much a lazy cunt all my life so my body isn’t as spent as the rest of the fools running around here chasing money”.

Without warning the 127-year-old coughed, projecting a lumpy green substance onto her tartan leg rug. She flicked it off into the fire. The sizzling sound sent shivers down my spine.

“So, Leandra, are you looking forward to your birthday tomorrow?” I asked, knowing I have only another few minutes left to interview her.

“Does it look like I’m excited?” she responded sarcastically. “Seriously, I just want to fucking die already. I’ve had enough of this crap. Have you seen what’s on TV lately? Those Kardashians really grizzle my bits. Sometimes I want to rub crushed light bulbs in my eyes. The world is mad”.

With that, her youngest son Juan (98) decided to end the interview, stating his mother is not well, and that she can be a bit of a “see you next Tuesday” at times.

Respecting his call, I shook Leandra’s frail, mummy-like hand before mistakenly wishing her “all the best in the future”. She grimaced and shooed me off. Secretly wishing for me to die.

Despite her impressive feat of ageing, Ms Lumbreras is not officially recognised as the world’s oldest human.

That title goes to Japan’s Misao Okawa, who is 12 years younger.

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