Pubs Adopt “Fuck It” Approach To ID Checking During Leaving Cert Celebrations

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AS THOUSANDS of students prepare to celebrate their Leaving Cert results tonight, pubs across the country have agreed to adopt a strict “fuck it” policy when it comes to checking ID cards, in a bid to turn a blind eye to rampant underage drinking.

Leaving Cert results night, traditionally one of the messier drinking nights in the teenage calender, has long been a source for concern among parents and drink awareness campaigners. With hundreds of underage drinkers turning up in A&E units across the country on results night with alcohol-related injuries, publicans have agreed with themselves to shoulder zero responsibility and continue serving regardless of a person’s age or intoxication level.

“We’re in the business of selling alcohol, and we can’t afford to turn away business, ” said Phil Morgan, head of the Irish Publican Army.

“And in terms of alcohol sales, Leaving Cert results night is like Christmas for us. The only other nights that are like Christmas for us are Christmas itself, Stephens Day and New Years… and Paddy’s day and most bank holiday weekends and the night before Good Friday. And during all major sporting events. And most minor sporting events. The fact stands that we need to sell as much drink as possible, and if that means a lax approach to ID checking, then so be it”.

Many of the students who received their results today are in the process of preparing for a night of heavy drinking, with most worrying whether or not they’ll actually get served in pubs. Fearing a loss of business to the “Bribe The Older Brother To Get Us A Few Naggins In Tesco” black market, Morgan assures teenagers that 100% of pubs will serve them whatever the hell they want over the course of the night.

“Take a look at reports from previous Leaving Cert results nights; does it look like you’ll have a problem getting served?” asked Morgan, owner and proprietor of the White Tuba bar in Dublins city centre.

“All bar staff have been instructed to follow a strict regime of asking blatantly underage kids if they have ID, and then serve them anyway. At the absolute worst, they’ll tell you that this is your “last” pint and they can’t serve you again, but you can just go to a different barman”.

“We recommend having your oldest looking friend nearby, so the bar staff can look over at them and give them a look which says ‘you’ll look after him, right?’… this way if anything happens to you when you’re shitfaced later on, we can always say someone was supposed to be looking after you. So come on in and drink your fill; I mean, we’re just going to deny you were ever in the pub or that you had a fake ID or that someone older was buying you drink all night, so it’s not like we give a shit anyways”.

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