McIlroy To Settle On Accent Later This Year



FOLLOWING his stunning USA PGA title victory last night, Rory McIlroy has today pledged to decide on an accent by the end of the year, adding that he will strive to continue his dominance in the world of professional golf while being a bit easier to understand.

The 25-year-old golf sensation from Northern Ireland, Ireland, scored his second Major title in only four weeks with a nail-biting one stroke victory over Phil Mickelson in Valhalla, Kentucky yesterday. The win makes McIlroy the third-youngest player ever to win four Majors, and the first to do so without any discernible accent whatsoever.

“I’d like to thank everyone who stood by me this year, and helped me on the road to victory” said a jubilant McIlroy, in his trademark mix of thick Northern Irish brogue and strangulated mid-American cadence with a bit of Wozniaki influenced Nordic thrown in for good measure.

“As the year goes on, I promise to maintain this current run of good form, and I also promise to do my best to decide whether or not to maintain my original Northern Irish accent or commit fully to a full on gee-whiz American twang”.

Upon deciding on which accent to concentrate on, McIlroy will begin work with a team of speech therapists to help him nail down one accent or the other. The vocal training will help McIlroy when it comes to giving interviews and press conferences, where it is hoped that people will be better able to concentrate on what he is saying, rather than get distracted by the odd-sounding mix of terrorist and surfer dude.

“Mr. McIlroy needs significant work, to avoid sliding into what we call the ‘Nadine Coyle’ zone” said Dr. Ian Lillith, chief speech therapist at the California Institute For Sounding Right.

“When someone from Ireland lives and works in America for any period of time it can lead to severe accent issues, as you may hear from students who return to Ireland after spending a few months in Boston on a J1”.

“We’re going to do our best with Rory, who right now is sounding less and less like a Northern Irishman trying to sound American, and more and more like an American trying to sound like they’re from Northern Ireland”.

“We train actors all the time to help them nail accents for roles, and we specialize in Irish accents; at the moment we’re helping Reese Witherspoon to hone her Northern Irish accent for her portrayal of Mo Mowlam in the upcoming biography, Mo Troubles Mo Problems”.