Callely To Suffer Candy Crush Withdrawal While In Prison

167
0
Share:

callely

Disgraced former Junior Minister Ivor Callely is set to suffer extreme withdrawal symptoms from the popular mobile phone game “Candy Crush Saga”, after being sentenced today to five months in prison on charges of fraud.

Callely, a former member of the Seanad and Fianna Fáil TD until he was forced to resign due to controversy over expenses, became hooked on the popular colour-matching game while on trial for fraudulently claiming over 2000 euro in mobile phone expenses.

The junior minister would regularly hound his mates on Facebook when his supply of lives had dried up, and after they stopped accepting requests it is believed that Callely bought shitloads of lives and used forged receipts to claim it back from the taxpayer.

“Mr Callely would like to state for the record that this is all someone else fault,” said defence counsel Marion Gaughan, as the disgraced minister began his custodial sentence.

“If his so-called friends had sorted him out with a few ticket requests on Facebook, he wouldn’t have had to make so many in-game purchases. Mr. Callely would also like to condemn King software, and ask them how they thought anyone could clear all the jelly in level 33 in only 14 moves”.

With mobile phone usage in prisons strictly prohibited, Callely will begin to suffer Candy Crush withdrawal very soon. Sweating, nausea and irritability will take hold within the first five hours, followed by a twitch in the hand as muscle memory begins to “play” the game in mid air.

The sickness peaks around day three, at around which time Callely will probably be offering sexual favours to any inmate who can bring him three jelly sweets of the same colour so he can match them up while making a “f-tik” sound.

Share:
X