‘Tis Wicked Close’ Says Everyone



THE entire nation is said to be in shock following the revelation that today’s humid weather is ‘wicked close’.

Many people were coming to terms with the fact that ’tis wicked close’, having been informed of the actuality by a variety of people, including the postman, the woman ahead of you in the queue, the overweight sweaty man in the lift, your co-worker and your aunt Bina.

“I got dressed this morning, but the closeness of it, I was a walking portable shower, I had to jump in the freezer while putting on my third outfit of the morning to make sure I didn’t cover myself head-to-toe in sweat patches,” explained frustrated Dublin man Niall Tully.

“I hadn’t a notion of how wicked close it really was until Gillian on reception told me, you know Gillian – with the face,” explained marketing executive Michael Gavin, “if it wasn’t for Gillian I couldn’t be sure I’d have observed it’s like the fucking Sahara desert out there”.

Close to 4.6 million people in Ireland had made the ‘this wicked close’ observation by 9am this morning, but many fear there are still people out there who have yet to remark on the heat that’s in that sun and the general ‘mugginess’.

“I’d just be afraid someone might venture out in a woolly jumper, lord knows what trouble they’d have in that heat, tis wicked close,” observed concerning Waterford resident Joanne Miley.

Many Irish people are seeking government intervention with the weather inhibiting basic movement and daily tasks.

While the Government has remained silent on the wicked closeness clearly evident in the country today, Met Éireann have issued a rare ‘sweat patch amnesty’ meaning for the foreseeable future, no one is to be unfairly judged for sweating like an ice cube in a furnace.

Lynx has introduced a tactical ‘mobile sweat containment unit’ which sees an experienced team of antiperspirant specialists descend on the streets of Ireland showering the afflicted with a fresh spray of much needed sweat impediment.