Plain Cigarette Packaging The Ideal Place For Young Smokers To Express Their Artistic Side


Yesterday saw the Minister for Health James Reilly launch the plain packaging for cigarettes initiative. While it was mostly greeted warmly by the public, the tobacco industry are said to be over the moon.

“Ah, you just couldn’t make this shit up,” beamed marketing manager for Marlboro John Glenn, “we’ve always relied on the young consumers to bolster business, what with older people wising up and not smoking we basically look like a colouring book to the young ones”.

Tobacco companies have rejoiced at the shortsightedness of the Minister for Health as they feel he has not taken into account, the sensibilities of the modern Irish child.

“Kids love the gore and explicit imagery you see on the packets. Plenty stay up late to watch Game of Thrones and see some awful stuff. They are desensitised to the horrors of smoking as a result, they’re hardly going to be bothered after seeing some lad’s head looking like a squashed sausage” added Mr. Glenn.

Cigarette manufacturers have long been banned from selling to children, much to their frustration, but many feel the blank packaging along with yet more explicit imagery opens up the marketplace once more.

“Well, obviously we’ve tried everything to get young people smoking,” explained John Player executive Rodger Lyons, “there was the Teletubbies packaging back in the day and more recently free lollipops but the sticks were cigarettes. But now all we have to is leave crayons lying around and we’re back in business, they’ll draw the blood pouring out of some young fella, the twisted little shits”.

Research, available to the tobacco industry suggests the average Irish child has watched films such as Trainspotting, Irreversible, Frozen and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre by the age of 4.

“Call it woeful parenting or whatever ya like we’re calling it the money train,” remarked Mr. Lyons.

James Reilly was all smiles at the launch and beamed to the media while he held up the packaging. His good mood was somewhat ruined when a toddler seated in a nearby pram spoke up after catching sight of the alluring yet disgusting packaging.

“Is your man’s hand falling off on the picture? Fucking class, giz it here. Ma, have ya got me crayola gel markers? I’m gonna draw a few mickeys coming out of his mouth, ha ha,” the toddler exclaimed.