The Perfect US Gunman Just Years Away, Claims Media

WITH tragic shootings unfolding across America with ever increasing regularity, the Media has reassured the public that the perfect US gunman is only a matter of years away.

“We were so, so very close with this latest one,” shared grinning Sky News editor Mags Cubbs, “he nearly had it all. He was misogynistic, tick, he looked a bit foreign, tick and he had vague ties to Hollywood I think, tick. He had a video too. Tick!”

Many top executives at American news channels seem to share the same opinion. “Always at a time like this we mourn, we mourn the fact that in this day and age no mass shooter is live-tweeting their killings. It abhorrent and it can’t go on,” shared Ron Moals of Fox News.

“The day a sexist Muslim who plays video games and has a history of mental disorders turns up, shoots people and films it. Well, that’s the day we switch to a 36-hour-a-day news cycle,” he added gleefully.

He went to bemoan the news media’s bad luck when it came to mass shootings stating that none have effectively met all the criteria for what is known in the media as ‘killergasm’.

Leading forensic psychiatrists have consistently criticised the media for their coverage of mass shootings, stating that certain types of reporting can lead to further shootings, but those in the media dispute these solid, peer reviewed facts.

“We are balanced in our coverage, we only give over 95% of it to the killer. And if, as stated by experts, that elevating a killer’s name to front page of every paper and news bulletin in the world increases the likelihood of similar shootings occurring well, that’s win-win for us, more reporting for us to do,” explained an editor for US news channel CNN.

Several editors went on to confirm to WWN that there was no public interest served by trying to remember the victims of barbaric and thoughtless shootings as there are simply too many names.