I suppose yer all wonderins how to be famous and tha’ and make loads of money and been on the telly an’ all? Well look no further cause im here to make all your dreams come thru.
People on the street are always asking me how did I made it to the big time. Lets face it, not everyone of ye will be able to do what it is i does. And the ones that can’t do it just become small minded haters of the ones that can, and thats just the way the super celebrity pie crumbles.
This counrty is full of sad fuckers tryin to bring you down when you become mega. Like the me ma says: “their only jelous of fellas that do better a good thing.”
Day say you should learn somethin new everyday, and if there is one thing you should learn today is this: Reis Foley is a fucking muppet and he only wishes he was me. Lesson one over.
Anyway, it’s important ye all know how the key points on how to become sucesful. Take these top 10 tips as you make a transition from your shitty pathetic worthless life to superstardumb like me:
- Ignore all the haters. De smartest move that you can make is to ignore all the haters that try to bring you down to their level. This includes the lads slaggin you off on the internet and tha’. Keep in mind that becoming a successful reality TV star can take several months or longer, ignoring fat shits like Reis Foley is key.
- Always remeber this countree is full of small minded pricks like Reis Foley. Most of the time the people you meet in niteclubs and parties and tha are sound an’ all but on occasion you do get to meet the small minded losers who hate the fact that you’re so sucesful. Always check peoples arms for derogatory slogans calling you names and that. These people are fucking sad fucks. Fucking fat cunts so they are and need to get a fucking life. Just always remember rule number one: ignore all the haters.
- Accept minimum wage for TV roles. Its not all rolls royaces and oysters at the start. You have to work super hard to get were I am right now. There is nothin wrong puttin in your time on badly paid reality TV shows. It will all work out in the end. If you put your mind to it, you can do anything in this life. Even become someone like me.
- Just be yourself. No one can tell you how to act in front of the camera. My advice is to just be yourself and people will love you for who you are. Bu you do have to have a a certain charismatic quality to succeed in this game. Do you think I could have got to were I am now if I came across as a sleazy two-faced egotistical prick who only lives for himself? No way José! Dats not how it works.
- Never react to criticism. I have been getting a lot of criticism lately but that’s just because the haters are trying to set me up for a fall. They always want to see you fail and do something stupid. My advice is to send out one strongly worded well written message to nip any haters in the bud. Make sure you show them that you know they are haters and that will make them realise what jelous people they are. They will most definetly leave you alone then to live your life in peace. You know when you’ve made it when haters try and bring you down. Did I mention Irelands full of haters?
- Always be proud of the work you do. It doesn’t matter how lame or ridiculous you look on TV, always be proud of it. Otherwise, who will? If you can’t be proud of yourself then you are leaving yourself open for haters an all. Especially in Ireland. At the end of the day, you are the one coming out with close to a grand a week. Who else can say they earn a grand a week for four weeks of the year? Huh? The haters certainly can’t. Thats who can’t say that.
- Don’t be afraid of taking silly PR jobs like opening local shops down the country. If you let pride come between you and your fans then you are in big bleedin’ trouble. You have to take the rough with the smooth. I know I said earlier I made four grand in one month with Tallafornia, but you have to keep thinking outside the box. There is nothing wrong with accepting fifty quid plus expenses for opening up a shop in Offaly. Its the tens of fans attending the opening that makes it all worth while.
- Always keep to the same style hair and clothes otherwise people will not recognise you. You might not believe what I’m about to say but, I don’t always get recognised on the street!! I know what your thinking, but it does happen. The trick is to avoid this is to always look the same in public. Like me, I would always have the same tight spiky haircut with a bright coloured tank top vest, usually yellow or pink (I’m comfortable with my sexuality, are you, hater?) and a pair of straight cut jeans. I know I does be freezin’ an all walking around the place, but its worth it just to be recognised. I’m always been mistaken for Jude Law I is.
I know I was meant to write ten key tips but I don’t want to give all me secrets away as there maybe haters reading this. You’ll just have to figure out the other two for yourselves or buy my new book next month called: ‘Get rich or die hating’