Ian Paisley ‘Still Not Dead’, Say Relatives


RELATIVES of former church minister and politician, Ian Paisley, confirmed today that he is ‘still not dead’.

The 86-year-old is said to be alive and well after suffering from acute heart problems this time last year.

A statement on behalf of his wife, Baroness Paisley said: “He’s been alive now for ages and doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere, any time soon.”

Family members say the former moderator and founding member of the Free Presbyterian Church refuses to die and can be heard shouting ‘NEVER NEVER NEVER!’ from his bedroom window on a regular basis.

“He just refuses to let go.” said one neighbour. “The man is stubborn and there is nothing more anyone can do for him.”

It is understood he is suffering from numerous debilitating illnesses. One medical report claimed he suffered from an exploding heart before Christmas and was seriously ill. However, Mr. Paisley refused to let his heart get the better of him and is said to be pumping the blood manually with his fist.

One family member said: “Nothing will kill this man. The only way he will die is if he gives up the fight.”

Doctors claim the ex-DUP leader should have been dead a long time ago and have no explanation for his continued existence.

“Its like heaven nor hell wants him. They’re probably scared and who would blame them?” said Mr. Paisleys’s personal GP Dr. Thomas Smith.