UK To Set Up Cheating Footballer Offenders Register

THE United Kingdom is to set up a register of professional footballing love cheats to allow the government keep a closer watch on their movements.

The CFO register will operate on the same basis as the current sex offenders register and adulterers will be obliged to inform police of a change in relationship status or plans to either date or shag members of the lesser known public.

The move is being included in a series of amendments being introduced by the Secretary of State for Justice, Rt Hon. Kenneth Clarke, MP, to the house of commons.

The register is aimed at reducing the increasing level of horny footballers cheating on their wives and girlfriends, by allowing both press and public to monitor their every move through the aid of electronic penis tags.

All two-timing footballers will have to ‘sign-on’ at their local police station every morning at 07:30.

The move will be complemented by the introduction of mandatory underwear swabs which will be randomly carried out by the newly appointed ‘Cheater authority’.

However, cheating footballers playing in division two or below will not be asked for random swab tests due to the fact they aren’t all that famous and pose less of a threat to women who have fallen in love with them.

The new register will be backed by other measures including sex addiction counselling and, in some more extreme cases, chemical neutering.