Two Women Newsreaders Is Against God’s Teachings

In his latest column, Bishop Cornelius Byle, WWN’s resident priest and conscience expert, explains why it’s not right that the news is told without the presence of a responsible and trusted adult man.

Good after morning to you all and welcome to my column. I must start off with an apology as in my last column, I referred to couples trying to conceive a child through IVF as mentally ill Nazis. Now that’s out of the way, onto to truly important moral matters; the Six One News.

It doesn’t need pointing out that while the Bible doesn’t implicitly say ‘don’t trust women’, that’s what we’ve taken from it and there is a need to apply this teaching to more than only 4,356 different aspects of society.

As the Nation bid farewell to the morally impregnable Brian Dobson in his role of Six One News anchor, a parishioner, in a considerable state of bother, shocked me with the news that not one, but TWO women will now be in charge of imparting news stories to the public.

The 9 O’Clock News having a female anchor doesn’t count as that’s a terribly late hour to be up at all, and only deviants would stay up that late, so, is the vast majority of the country now expected to listen to homemakers tell us what is going on in the world?

There’s a special provision for women in the constitution for a reason, and I can tell you now, it’s not for reading news, that’s a man’s job.

I don’t say these things lightly, women are the cornerstone of the community, of life in Ireland, but it’s unfair on them to pretend we listen to their opinions on important matters like the news from home and abroad. And I’ve been told some like-minded parishioners of mine on Twitter have similar concerns.

God was so clear on the matter in fact, that he didn’t even bother going into any detail about it, he just knew we’d know it was wrong. A man has the sort of authority we need for news-telling. The same reason we don’t have women priests. Because.

“Women are great, but don’t put them on TV,” God would have probably said if He was here now. He is here. He’s everywhere, but look, you know what I mean.

Some people will say ‘Bishop Byle, isn’t this an overreaction? It’s not like this will lead to the complete degradation of all we Catholics hold dear’. Well it isn’t and it will. I don’t like to say ‘I told you so’ but let’s check back in this time next year and when we’re all eating each other’s brains for fun I’ll gladly accept your apology.

Now, please burn the contents of this electronic article immediately after reading it. Your bodily desires disgust me.