Doll Possessions Up 12% From Last Year

A STUDY into paranormal activity in Ireland has found a dramatic increase in the number of doll possessions so far this year with almost a 12% increase in cases being reported compared to the same time last year.

Doll possessions were responsible for 24 deaths last year and linked to a further 47 missing persons, compared to just 19 deaths in 2016, with the majority of cases being reported in orphanages or mental institutions across the country.

The study followed 97 reported cases since the beginning of this year, with almost 3/4 of those cases proven to be hoaxes or just some bollocks taking the piss. However, the 26 remaining cases were proven to be authentic and pointed to a worrying upward trend of doll possession cases.

“First of all, I would like to pay my respects to 3 of my researchers who died mysteriously while carrying out this study,” Prof. Zechariah Lundy, lead researcher of the study explained with eerie 1920s music in the background, “year-on-year the number of doll possession cases in Ireland are spiralling out of control and it seems no one wants to do anything about it.

“We have tried contacting the government about it, but all we get are closed doors while the Catholic church rakes in millions each year from doll exorcisms. I believe both church and state are conspiring together and it’s only a matter of time before doll possessions become an epidemic in Ireland,” he added, before giving some advice,”if a family member dies and tries to persuade you that they can live on in a doll, please do not fall for it as it is more than likely a cunning ruse by evil spirits trying to get into your home”.

So far this year there have been 24,897 professional exorcisms carried out around the world by the Vatican at an average cost of $250k per possession, generating $6.2bn in tax free revenue.