Local Straight Man Thinks Every Gay Man Fancies Him

A LOCAL heterosexual has convinced himself that the majority of gay men, if not all of them, are magnetically drawn to him and his masculine aura.

Drowning in his own self-congratulatory praise for being so frank about gay men, and not even making a big deal about it, Dublin based Waterford man, Paul Kane, 28, explained his predicament to WWN.

“I wish I could explain it. Derek in accounts, the lad working H&M, they’re all gagging to ride me,” explained Kane, “but obviously I’d be doing the riding if there was any riding to be done… I mean c’mon, look at me”.

“There’s twinks, and bears or something like them yokes that the gay lads love, but I think they’re mad for me ‘cus I’m not that, I’m just raw straight sexiness,” explained the local man, who almost had sex last year with a woman.

Kane failed to provide any concrete evidence to back up his claims of being desired by gay men, but it is believed such proclamations stem from one party in 2007 when a presumably gay man passed comment on Kane’s jacket, calling it ‘really nice’.

“I pass by the lad working at the Inglot make-up counter on my lunch break, just you know, to brighten up his day, bless him,” added Kane, unaware of how full of himself he sounded.

“Some lads who aren’t as comfortable with their sexuality and masculinity would be totally not okay with the attention I get, but I just take it as a compliment. But I’d fear being swamped in the George, you know yourself, they’d tear me limb from limb, I’m gay crack,” Kane concluded.