Garda Whistleblower Tribunal Begins Quest To Get To Bottom Of Nothing

THE GARDA Whistle Blower tribunal has begun this morning, with experts estimating it will get to the bottom of nothing in roughly 9 months time.

Adjourning three minutes into its opening, the Charleton Tribunal has already asked the government for an extra 36 months to consider upcoming evidence and testimony while suggesting it will need a small increase of €300 million in its budget.

“Look, no one could have foreseen a tribunal in Ireland running over in terms of cost, time and lack of concrete findings. These things just happen sometimes,” suggested one legal professional who was looking forward to milking the tribunal for all they can.

The complex legal terminology of the tribunal’s lack of findings is difficult for the general public to understand with leading experts in tribunals quick to offer explanations.

“The bottom of nothing, which is derived from a Latin phrase no less, simply means we’ll likely learn fuck all as people in power who have acted negligently getting a payoff of some sort,” law lecturer Brian Corless explained.

The tribunal, set up in the wake of revelations about allegations senior gardaí’s attempted to smear and undermine several whistleblowers will give rise to several other tribunals tasked with getting to the bottom of why nothing was gotten to the bottom of or indeed if anything had a bottom that needed getting to in the first place.