WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Your workday goes into extra time, and you lose on penalties.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You realise you’ve never read a book that didn’t have ‘now a major motion picture’ on the cover.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You didn’t think that ‘vomit head’ would stick as a nickname when they started calling you it 30 years ago, but here you are.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You realise that you weren’t the fastest sperm, you were just the only one that could be bothered.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

Take two, they’re small.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You don’t think Trump’s victory is all that bad, to be honest. You also shit yourself on a regular basis.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

Did you know screaming into the wind burns 990 calories an hour? Keep it up!  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The bloody media sneak round your house late at night and mess the place up. You just tidied!  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You mark all your emails as read, even if you haven’t looked at them.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You stop wearing your FitBit because it keeps catching on the Pringles tin.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You make the argument that the US Jeremy Kyle show isn’t as good as the UK version.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Dem bones dem bones need calcium, not alcohol! Drink milk instead of beer at least once a week.  

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