“Which One Of You Fucks Do I Need To Promote?” – Clinton Asks FBI Interrogators

US PRESIDENTIAL nominee Hillary Clinton has breathed a sigh of relief this week after FBI Director James Comey confirmed he could not charge Clinton for using private email servers while she was secretary of state, which saw the transfer of top secret information, despite similar incidents garnering sanctions and criminal investigations.

Following a four hour interrogation of the 69-year-old, Mr. Comey was happy that the possible future president of the United States was just “extremely careless”, and should not face any federal charges.

During the FBI interview, Mrs. Clinton, whose pockets were visibly bulging with money, asked interviewers what she had to do to dig herself out of the situation.

“So, which one of you fucks do I need to promote?” her transcript read “I’ve got some investors flying into Haiti in the morning so let’s make this quick, yeah?”

Clinton went on to compliment her interrogators on a game well played, noting their decision not to pursue criminal charges would have to see them rewarded in the event of Clinton becoming president later this year.

“This ain’t your first rodeo boys, is it? Smart move, I’ll give you that,” Clinton remarked, fully aware that with ample evidence pointing to the fact that the truth of the case consistently contradicted her own accounts of her use of private email servers, it could lead many to assert Clinton had lied a nauseating number of times.

Replying, one of the FBI interrogators stated the agency is ‘caught between a rock and a hard place’, pointing out previous instances where American citizens were either exiled or prosecuted for breaches of security.

“Considering we’ve locked Chelsea Manning away for 35 years for leaking classified files, we could be in for some backlash here Hillary,” said the interrogator. “And I’m sure Snowdon will have a field day with this, but yeah, I could do with a pay bump, now that you mention it”.