WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

We could tell you that trying to climb in the upstairs bedroom window of your girlfriend’s house while drunk is a foolish idea, but are you even going to listen to us, you mad horny bastard?

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Your nemesis shows up for a battle to the death this week, AGAIN. What is with that guy? What is his friggin’ problem?

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You will finally get your shuffling under control, going from everyday to every two days, to once a week. Keep up the good work. You can beat this.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

They said you couldn’t pull off socks with sandals, but look at you go you big legend.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Your milkshake still hasn’t brought any boys to the yard. Maybe it’s time to accept that it never will.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

“I’m a Virgo, bitch, so why don’t you virgo fuck yourself?!”- you will yell this at someone this week. We are unsure who, or why. But you will look totally badass.

Libra September 23 – October 22

The €4 you won on an All Cash scratch card should be used to buy your lunch, not two more scratch cards. Quit chasing the big win. Take what you have and use it wisely!

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Might be a good idea to not send that text. The one you’re writing now. Just don’t send it… are you listening? You’re going to regret sending… you fucking sent it, didn’t you? Ok, don’t blame us.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you. But seriously; watch out for the sticks and stones.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Your family are on Jeremy Kyle this week! Get the cans in!

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Hair and nail growth remains within the expected levels this week. Nothing else to report.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Remember; nobody is the boss of you. Except your boss. He most absolutely is the boss of you. That’s his job.