Irish Water Averaging 6.7 Scandals A Day

WWN can exclusively reveal that Irish Water, much criticised in some way by 98.4% of the Irish population, is currently averaging 6.7 scandals a day.

With the weekend’s news involving rumours of a management shakeup, exorbitant repair fees, staff bonuses and an Irish Water executive claiming he was bigger than Jesus, the embattled semi-state body looks set to provide a continuing headache for the coalition Government.

“Christ almighty if I have to hear one more breaking news story about that crowd of ‘water wankers’ I’ll go mad,” offered the Taoiseach at a press briefing this morning, hinting clearly for the first time that rumours of Irish Water workers wanking into the water supply are true.

Irish Water has defended their controversial bonus payments which total €7.6 trillion for just four members of staff.

In a press release, soon to be replaced head of Irish Water John Tierney said “Oh my God, I’m going to buy so much fucking cool stuff with my bonus, lol,” seemingly out of touch and unaware of current criticism Tierney added: “I think I’ll get one of those cool fridge magnets that’s, like, a bottle opener too”.

Widespread dissatisfaction of Irish Water’s communication skills with the public is set to push the official scandal count for today close to 7 separate scandals.

So far today’s scandals have involved water meters installer turning up to install water meters in Nazi Costumes, prostitution bills running into the thousands and every employee receiving a Maserati company car for free.