Tag: banks

Vulture Funds Seen Circling Over Ulster Bank Branches

DESPITE robust laws in place to protect mortgage holders and a pledge for a gradual closing down to take place over several years, Ulster Bank branch security guards have spent the day trying to fend off ravenous packs of vultures, WWN can confirm. With the departing bank’s mortgage book presenting a tempting investment opportunity for… Read more »

Banks Being Suspiciously Nice All Of A Sudden

AN independent think-tank has declared that the banking sector has been ‘a little too smiley’ during the Coronavirus crisis for anyone’s liking, prompting fears that they’re on the brink of profiting from human misery for the first time ever. Most banks and mortgage lenders were quick to offer 3-month ‘mortgage holidays’ to struggling families after… Read more »

PTSB Treated For PTSD

MANAGEMENT and staff at PTSB branches around the country are to be treated for post-traumatic stress disorder, following a €21 million fine arising out of 42 regulatory breaches surrounding tracker mortgages. Staff at the banks are to receive one-to-one counselling, extra paid days off, and other treatments such as personal masseuses, golf days and free dinners… Read more »

Azealia Banks Applies For Bailout

UNDER-FIRE US Rapper Azealia Banks has arrived in Dublin without a care in the world following her insulting remarks about the beauty standards of Irish women, insisting that she’s just going to get ‘one of those Banks bailouts that Irish people are so fond of”. An irate Banks came under fire after posting angry videos to… Read more »

Overpaid Bank CEOs Strike For Worse Pay & Working Conditions

IN A SOBERING act of remarkable self-awareness, leading CEO in banks and financial institutions around the world have gone on strike demanding that the boards and shareholders which have facilitated their wildly inflated salaries, reduce them immediately while simultaneously putting demands on them to work longer hours. Armed with placards emblazoned with slogans such as… Read more »