Local Man Knows Exactly What Corruption He’d Partake In If He Was Ever Made TD

IN MUCH the same way office workers daydream about winning the lotto, one Waterford man curses his luck that his chances of becoming a TD are slim but comforts himself instead with imagining the vast network of corruption he’d immerse himself in if elected to the Dáil.

“First thing’s first, the missus is getting named my parliamentary assistant. The son, even though he’s 9, would be setting up a consultancy firm that would I would pay for PR/media training, his road tarmacking company would be top of the line too,” explained local man David Givens with an intense and excitable focus.

“The horse racing industry, the alcohol industry, developers, they wouldn’t have to lobby me, I’d be stalking them looking for the brother to get a gig with them in exchange for behind closed doors support in the Dáil,” added Givens, his pupils transforming into euro signs as he spoke.

Weighing up the particular benefits to being part of a party or a rogue outspoken rural independent, Givens has devoted more time to thinking over these scenarios than any other subject in his life.

“Then it’d be on the phone to local business telling them what grants are coming down the track and how there’s a lad at council level who will hand it right over if you mention my name,” continued Givens, drunk on the imagined corruption.

“I’d set up a machine to copy my signature onto character references for any hoor, €50 a pop, that’d pay for the mortgage on the rental place I wouldn’t be declaring in the official register of interests, you could’ve drowned puppies for all I care you’re getting a reference,” concluded Givens.

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