High Incidence Rate Of The Colombian Flu Reported Across Ireland

THE HSE has confirmed one of the highest incidence rates of any known virus is surging across the country called the Colombian Flu, which is infecting all ages young and old, WWN reports.

Symptoms such as a runny nose, insomnia, extreme paranoia, and loss of earnings have been reported in most cases with even a large number of people fatally succumbing to the extreme strain.

“Symptoms usually start after a sip of alcohol, leading to a phone call and immediate urge to run to the toilet,” Doctor Trevor Tracey describes the tale-tail signs, “this is then followed by a numb feeling at the back of the throat, nonsensical conversations about mundane things and a propensity for large consumption of alcohol, leading to severe dehydration and dread over the next few days”.

Doctors advised to social distance from sufferers as encountering them can result in the contagion spreading even more among groups of socialising friends.

“Especially avoid going to the toilet with people who have it as this seems to be where most people contract the Colombian flu,” a statement from the HSE warned.

Meanwhile, local pharmacist Decco Power claims that what makes you sick, makes you better and has been developing just the vaccine for the new variant.

“Just a little bump of this new vaccine before you head back into work on Monday morning will take the edge right off it,” he said, “you can find my contact details on the back of any toilet door”.