“I’ll Be The Red Bull Of Taoiseachs, The Crack Cocaine Of Leaders”

FINE GAEL politician and wooden toy brought to life by a witch’s curse Simon Harris has stepped out from the shadows of government to throw his hat into the proverbial ring with a series of energetic soundbites aimed to give the impression that his party will change overnight upon securing the leadership bid.

“I’m the red bull of Taoiseachs, the crack cocaine of leaders, a human Duracell bunny that will inject the energy needed to win the next election,” Harris told WWN while jogging on the spot, “I’m raring to go here, look at me; I’m jacked,” he added, now dropping to all fours before doing a set of 20 burpees.

“Yeah that’s me, Red Bull of Taoiseachs, or is it Taoisigh? dunno, never finished college”

“Now, I’m not saying the previous Taoiseach wasn’t any of those things – don’t get me wrong – but you motherfuckers haven’t seen nothing yet, just you wait and see all the things I’m going to do that should have been done already over the last 13 years since we took charge but weren’t done because I wasn’t leading. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see Sinn Fein’s stupid faces,” Simon promised, putting his right leg up against the black Dáil gates and doing the splits.

Asked what he’s going to do about the huge under supply of homes, the 37-year-old stated he would build them himself with his bare hands if it came to it.

“How hard can it be?” he asked, now staring vacantly at this reporter as if there was zero thoughts running through his head, “homelessness gone, redress schemes paid to survivors of mother and baby homes, mica blocks fixed, children’s hospital and Metro line built at cost, racism done for, everyone will be rich; you name it I’ll get it done by Friday week – then onto world peace, colonising Mars and beyond, man. Oorah!”

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