Garda Commissioner Launches New Recruitment Drive Which Involves Slandering Guards Cleared Of Wrongdoing


IN A CAMPAIGN launched to rival the glitzy one presented by the Australian police earlier this week, Commissioner Drew Harris is trying to tempt new recruits by casting aspersions in public on serving officers cleared of all wrongdoing.

“Well Drew thought a great way to communicate to would-be applicants the guards is a job worth doing is for him to appear before an Oireachtas committee and make ambiguous and open-to-interpretation comments about a garda suspended for three years for lending a bike to a pensioner during a Covid lockdown before being completely cleared,” shared head of Demoralisation at An Garda Síóchána.

“We can’t compete with sun and sand, but at least people know if they choose the guards, there’s always a chance the highest ranking officer will leap to muddy the waters and insert suspicion if anyone ever comes to the defence of an officer cleared of all wrongdoing by the National Bureau of Criminal Investigation. For some people, that’ll sound like a class job”.

Possessing a rare gift for having his finger on the pulse of the nation and rank and file gardaí alike, Harris disagreed with everyone that taking three years to resolve a nonsense matter that left an officer unable to carry out his full duties at a time of dwindling garda manpower was a waste of time.

“And sure fair play to Drew, what do you know we’ve been inundated with applications to join the guards this morning. Have we fuck, what a fucking gobshite. If he’s a leader I’m Belmullet is the capital of France,” shared an officer in charge of recruitment.

In a similarly astute move aimed at boosting her approval rating Minister for Justice Helen McEntee agreed with everything Commissioner Harris said.

“This is only the second worse Harris-based endorsement I’ve made today,” explained the Minister.

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