“This Guy, Really?” Nation Asks Fine Gael


AS DOZENS of Fine Gael TDs and senators declare their endorsement for Simon Harris as leader of Fine Gael and Ireland’s next Taoiseach, the nation has felt the need to intervene and ask, for clarity’s sake, if they mean the same Simon Harris they’re thinking of.

“This guy, you’re sure? Put your glasses on and look again, it’s definitely this guy?” the nation urged of Fine Gael reps who were gushing in their praise for a Simon Harris that bore no resemblance to the one they had encountered as Minister for Health and Work Experience Justice Minister.

“The I Can’t Believe It’s Not Leo spread, that Simon Harris? The 18 Covids Simon Harris? The lad who looks like he’d apologise to a room for walking into it? Minister for Health who fumbled the Cervical Check scandal and gave the greenlight to the nuns owning the maternity hospital, that Harris?” an incredulous public asked once more.

Securing enough reassurance that is was definitely Wicklow TD Simon Harris Fine Gael were talking about, the public could then move onto the next phase of the political grieving process, bargaining.

“But maybe Micheál Martin goes rogue during the Dáil vote and is all like ‘I’m not voting for a lad who looks like the teacup from Beauty and the Beast come to life’ and then we have a general election, yeah, that’s it, that’s what’s going to happen. Class,” said a deluded nation.

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