Advice You Would Give Your 16-Year-Old Self


GIVEN the chance, everyone would love to live in a world in which you could somehow send reassuring advice to their younger selves. Advice that calms the nerves, and helps to guide a lost soul toward the right path.

Collated by researchers at UCD, here are the most popular words of wisdom people would love to be able to impart on their 16-year-old selves if they could go back in time:

Invest in Bitcoin earlier than everyone else. Look, I can’t explain what Bitcoin is, not because time is of the essence and you need to act now but because I still don’t have a clue what it is, and people have explained it to me so many times at this point they’d just give out to me if I asked again.

Try to worry less. Panicking, now that’s something to aspire to.

Mam was lying about the whole ‘you’ll go blind’ from masturbating too much thing. Knock yourself out.

Don’t listen to your bullies, upload that video on YouTube of yourself acting out that one-person My Chemical Romance fan fiction play you wrote. It won’t come back to haunt you.

Answer that unknown number call on the 12th of August 2017, it was Bill Gates.

Don’t wear that cravat into the first day of college. Unless of course, you think you’ll enjoy being known only as ‘cravat boy’ for your four years in college.

Listen here loser, you need to get out more, have sex, do drugs, explore life so you don’t have the nagging sense you missed out on something and you wasted your youth. If you don’t you’ll turn into the person I am today who mid-life crisis’d themselves into being kicked out of the family home by my wife because I did coke off a sex worker’s arse on a stag in Amsterdam last week like a fucking cliche.

One day, out of nowhere, you’re going to get very interested in something called ‘fidget spinners’. You’re going to convince yourself they are the most in demand and vital commodity in the world. You are going to transfer €12,000 from your Credit Union account to a man in China in exchange for 20,000 fidget spinners. I beg of you, you who is burdened with my brain, the brain of an idiot, not to do this.