Free Meals, Electricity, Bed, Gym, Roof Over Heads; Prison Not Sounding Bad Now To Local Family

“OKAY, Mark, if you go down to Londis with this toy gun and rob the place with your sister, me and your mam will continue to not pay the TV licence,” Jimmy Riordan ordered his teenage son and daughter, “we should get a good few months out of it”.

The Riordan family are just one of hundreds of Irish families now resorting to life on the inside in a bid to avoid the spiralling cost of living on the outside.

“The O’Briens down to road murdered the Tierneys and got life, the lucky bastards,” Jimmy stated, now packing the family’s belongings into boxes to put in storage while they go to prison, “free meals, no electricity bills, there’s a bed, gym, roof over our heads and it will toughen up the kids no end; what’s not to like?”

Crimes related to cost-of-living pressures have surged over the past two years with more and more people opting for a life behind bars in Ireland’s cushy prisons.

“There’s even a games room and library, there’s more amenities here for young people than on the outside,” 17-year-old Seamus Fielding told WWN, who purposely skinned up a joint in front of a rural Garda, securing himself 6 months free rent inside, “I had one friend make the mistake of paying some woman to say he assaulted her, but sure didn’t the judge leave him off – you gotta know the system”.

With prisons already maxed out, many desperate people are now resorting to other means to secure a better way of life.

“I travelled to Ukraine and then pretended I was a refugee so I could come back to Ireland and get free stuff,” David Humphries, now known as Paval Vavreck told WWN. “Now I’m freezing me bollocks off in a leaky tent in a field in Laois and being called a pedo by an angry mob, but at least I get free tinned soup!”